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Philly 10:40am Tues Hi guy! Tues, May 1, 2007 11:31pm
BriButtFly.EmoSk8erSullyBuffBoi
am home and missing you. am sleep.ing in my own futon now. you are at skool - hopefully u had better weather than we did, after two very nice days, it rained all day. kisses and hugs luvya D.
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Re: Philly 7:37pm Tues Long time no see! Wed May 2, 2007 8:41am
Brian,
Have you been busy or what? Wish you would write to
let me know what's up. I'm working at home and will
be online until your bedtime. Hugs and kisses,
David.
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Philly 10:02pm Wed - thanks for the reply May 3, 2007
David!
I'm sorry if i rushed off last time but i cna't always talk, andy/mom. plus i had like 5 friends on and had to close all those windows. yahoo should make like a panic button or soemthing!!! i konw whatyou're saying and i never felt like ur a lurker or whatever, i like talking to u. its just that I"m not at the computer as much, we're out all the time skating then when i come in late i have like an hour to do h.w...and even then i don't always get it done wich makes mom mad then she's watching me even more so i dont get on the computer. it sucks i wish there was like 400 hours in a day! but i'm having sooo much fun and i can't sit still lately. like i can't sit to even write email. IM SORRY D!!!! i will still write you. forgive me? i need to do work then sleep. i hope you will write sometimes and im sorry i never wanted to make u sad. HUGGGGGGGGGKISSSSS,
brian
Kelly wrote:
B.
I started to write a long letter but decided against
it.. it was all mushy and regretful and then I
realized you don't need that.
That letter was for ME.. for my own reflection and
healing. Beside the moon just reached its fullest so
let me have my excuses.
I have been 'waiting' around and hoping and moping
on Yahoo these many days (morning) over the last few
weeks - hoping you'll get online but that's really
selfish and rather boorish of me to monopolize your
time. It does feel like an addiction - one that I
need to gain some control over.
You're 16 and summer is coming. I finally realize that
(LIKE DUH!) you need your independence and time to
grow, having fun, learn good and bad stuff (getting
into trouble and learning to stay out of it). I
should LET you do those things.
Instead - I've been acting like a "ghost uncle" -
trying to oversee your life (well... at least hear
about it and add my two cents). That's probably not
helpful and you seem less willing to accept or listen
to commentary from a perfect stranger - that's sort of
what I feel like - or kind of like a 'peeping tom' -
getting snapshot glimpses of your life, your
sexuality, your friends and your feeling from time to
time. I need to STOP living a virtual existence with
you in the center. So I'm going to try NOT writing
you for awhile.
Just know I'm always here for you - willing to listen
if you want to write. -- if you need to talk. But
I'm going to stop 'hanging out' in the dark (on
YahooIM) or sending you little reminders (that I
exist).
I feel a little bit like Will - not that I am
retarded mentally - but with another kind of
'inability' (I've started to realize that I can never
overcome the age, distance, time barriers that
separates us). Maybe too it's a kind of emotional
"retardedness' - why can't I get friends nearer to me
- in space, time and age? - I don't know - at least
that's what you can do well - make and keep friends.
I should take a lesson (SMILE).
Hey, anyway, I too need to get out and enjoy the
summer for myself.
Love you (always will even IF I don't write daily)..
Hugs and sweet kisses,
David
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This was the letter I DID NOT send that night.
________________________________________
Bboi_sweetbutterflynn.Emosk8erSullyBoi,
Hey, I think you're getting busier as summer approaches - nice weather calls you to the streets, right? So I hear less and less from you - just wanted you to understand that I realize it's perfectly normal and I am trying to make myself realize that things move on.
It's me who's the one who's holding ON too tight. You're like a soaring free-bird who had landed in my garden but who needs his freedom to take to the skies.
I was lucky that I made friends with you during the cold Philly winter.. but there's not much left we haven't talked about so you're slowly moving on to a bigger world.
I used to not be able to practically breath -kind of tight in the chest - until I got my daily dose of Brian (a message from you) and it's been hard being weaned off that addiction (LOL).
I hope you'll forgive me for that passion - however irrational it was - even though it's too far away in distance, and time, and in our ages to mean very much to you.. it was a wonderful episode - poignant and joyous - quickening my soul with renewed romance for life and loving someone. Not just sexually by any means.. I really do feel like your soul-relative.
I'll always be here when you need someone to talk to - I'm not going anywhere but I've noticed that I am not treating you fairly and with the independence you deserve. Being your friend creates its own kind of possessiveness - and that's not really love or friendship - at least the kind that a boy of sixteen needs and wants.
Probably you think nothing much has changed - you write and we talk sometimes.. and it can remain that way.. but it was ALWAYS much much more the highlight of my life to hear from you or to have you spend time with me... I really did feel like a part of your world. But that's being delusional - and overstating what is the obvious - I'm just a older gay man enthralled by a handsome, kind and curious boy. So forgive this true confession and know that you had really had nothing to do with my obsession except just being yourself - which I (and many others) do cherish...
I know you'll think this like a goodbye letter but it's NOT that at all.. it's a letter to help ME.. to make me realize how silly I've been about obsessing over you.
David
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Re: Philly 10:02pm Wed - thanks for the reply May 3, 2007
Brian,
I think we both understand - well, at least I'm
trying to persuade myself that I understand what
you're experiencing (becoming a man - maybe one that'a
not completely gay, growing up in downtown Philly,
going to high school, falling in love, being a street
sk8er, wanting to be independent and also loved and
cared by parent(s) and friends....)
I KNOW you are pushed for time to get it all in -
especially now that summer is getting closer.
I realize you're watched like a hawk (by mom and Andy)
and I'm glad of that - because they also give your
space and let you make your own choices in other
areas. I really respect them for how they're raising
you - it seems you do too and are the better for it.
You don't need to think that you EVER made me sad. I
DID that to myself. You are a really great person who
is still young and growing (full of hormones) and
exhuberant and social and emotionally stimulated and
stimulating. You invest so much in whomever you are
with that they (I am just guessing) really can't help
but enjoy being me you.
You cannot and did not 'make' me sad - I can only do
that to myself- it's just my longing for you, to be
with you (as a what? a lover, a friend/buddy, a sexual
object and pseudo-uncle/daddy - a bit of all of those)
and to be LIKE YOU too ... are getting me down (a
bit).
It's not realistic to be so unrealistic about someone
you love. I don't think you're even like that with
Tim... of course, you get to see and be with him.. so
you have a real emotional and sexual outlet for your
passion and your romance.
It has just taken me a while to get my head out of
the clouds (or should I say 'out from up my ass' LOL).
I'll be here for you .. but I am just not going to try
to be lurking around - almost all the time I'm not at
work, I've been lurking (for you). It doesn't help
that I'm also addicted to the Net (that's NOT your
fault either).
We'll talk and write when we can and when we need
to...OK.
Hugs,
D.
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Miguel Ángel migueazahar89@xxxxxxxx
(a very sweet guy on Flickr -- now gone - like me, too).
hi man!
thankyou very much for those beautiful words, i love your
comment.
I'm glad you liked my photos, I think your gallery is very
cool......well, maybe too sexual but that's great, I saw
some pictures of you at the beginning and they are very
cool.
A couple of friends and I want to take some sexy photos in
the park, they will be really cool so, I hope you like them
when I show them.
sorry for my english hahaha XD
and thanks a lot again.
Have a nice day.
Migue.
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Philly time 7:22pm Friday
Hey, B.
Obviously you are NOT home and are out doing stuff..
so I'm not lurking (LOL). ...just dropping you a line
to say hello. I don't expect a reply soon.
Writing you is still a daily habit - Phillybboi is a
powerful addictive!! (that may sound like a joke but
I'm not just kidding, kiddo). Eventually, I might
switch to writing to you (or the idea of you) on a
blog instead of email. But I guess I'm still too much
of an emotional punk to just do that... the potential
for being totally forgotten or ignored is still a bit
too scary.
Tim's staying this weekend so I'm glad you're
occupied with a loving sweet person. (Not that most of
your friends aren't caring, nice (and cute) guys (I
guess there is a girl in there too).
It's the end of my week's vacation - I had no school
this week - although it was a rotten time to travel in
country - because 125 million Japanese are also trying
to go someplace so the roads and restaurants and parks
are pretty well packed to the max.
Fortunately, we've had nice warm weather and I did
get some necessary things done.
I've decided I won't be going to Ireland in August.
It will just too hectic a schedule at the end of the
summer and I'd rather enjoy it if I am going to go.
Remember I was attending a conference in Northern
Ireland - from Sept 5-7 and school starts here on Sept
9. So I'll come back in August and stay in Hawaii
instead.
Any news about what's happening with your trip to
Ireland or your dad's possible visit?
Love and give hugs to Tim and CJ.. and a big one to
you too, my sweet buffntuff.emosk8er.sully'sboy.brian
Smooch,
D.
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