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My secret existence that's not so hush-hush anymore.



This is a collection of my thoughts, writings, musings,

and a place to collect my various blog projects into one place. (SEE the list of my other blogs on right side-bar).

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Sunday 9:40 pm phillyboi time

Monday, May 21, 2007 10:48:11 AM

Subject: Sunday 9:40 pm phillyboi time

B.
You're not going to like much of what I say. Maybe
it's time for ME to grow up.

Why is it my heart hurts after just about every
time we talk on Yahoo! I intuitively know it's NOT
good for either of us...but I love you too much -- or
at least that's the excuse I make for myself - -so I
keep coming back. But what is love, anyway? It is very
complex -- in this case.

It is too complex for me... I can't be your sexual
playmate, your friend/buddy, your uncle/surrogate
granddad and an advisor/teacher all rolled into one.

Actually, you were NOT visible to me in Yahoo
Messenger, I couldn't see you online. In fact, you
were listed as OFFLINE.. but I reasoned that you COULD
be online on Sunday night (supposed to be doing
homework and proscrastinating .. like I used to do)
and you were just hidden from my view (Stealth
settings, right?) So that's why I sent you a message
(and SURPRISE.. you answered). I don't think it's
deceitful.. you have a lot of other friends to talk to
so if I'm online you'd feel obligated to chat. I can
understand that. But you can always just say that..
tell me you need to talk to other friends..or help
your mom or Andy.
Now I wonder how far the hiding stuff or ignoring
the stuff you don't want to face really goes.


Your drinking alcohol more often now is freaking me
out. I see now that's why you were online - just horny
and trying to get off - on xtube or with having
cybersex (probably you have other adult playmates).
There is nothing wrong with that but it's not like you
don't have other options - at your age - you just had
great sex with cj.

No wonder you freaked then when I talked about
coming to Philly - I suddenly appeared when you were
online and supposedly invisible (to me).

I would NOT do that - come to Philly. I don't want
to be the pervert criminal-type who has to hide and
sneak in the shadows. That's what I feel our meeting
on Yahoo is like...

I love being your sexual confidant - someone you
confide in with your secret passions and sexual
adventures - real or imagined.
But at the same time, I hate myself for ONLY being
that to you. I also want to encourage you to do and
become the best person that you be - what a true
friend or uncle should and can do.

When I say things you don't want to hear or ask
questions you don't want to answer, you just turn me
off - like a video game. You can just shut me down
when I get too nosy or sound too 'adult' (restrictive
or realistic) or too emotional or gushy with loving
your and wanting to do something for you.

Sometimes I DO wish I could get very mad at you, but
I know I can't. You've got me by the heart and by the
balls, Bboi. Sometimes I just wish I know how to ask
you to let go of them.

D.

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